Do you not see how
Allah sets forth a parable of a good word (being) like a good tree,
whose root is firm and whose branches are in heaven. Yielding its
fruit in every season, by the permission of its Lord? And Allah sets
forth parables for people that they may be mindful. (14:24-25)
The words uttered by the human tongue have a great impact, on the
life of the speaker as well as the lives of those it reaches. Words
can comfort and console, but can also hurt and sadden. The ability
to affect with the spoken word is the most potent tool of the human
being. Using it wisely, he can achieve great results. He can win hearts
and gain the respect and affection of others. A hadith of Imam Ali
(a) says: Nothing attracts the heart of a human as much as the (good)
tongue.
Islam wishes its followers to use the power of speech to achieve goodness,
to spread love and happiness, wisdom and guidance. The beautiful simile
in the ayat above compares a good word to a fruitful tree. Just as
a good tree is rooted firmly under the earth, a good word is also
rooted in faith and the desire to serve and help others. The good
it creates rises high above the surface of the speech, and its effects
are continuous. The fruits of a good word are the encouragement, the
boost in morale, the lifting of spirits, the warmth and the happiness
that it creates. These continue long after the words are spoken.
The believer who wishes to do good in this world should maximize the
effective use of the tongue. It is the best form of charity. The Holy
Qur'an says: Kind speech and forgiveness is better than charity followed
by injury. (2:263) The Holy Prophet (s) has said: By the One in whose
hand is my soul, mankind has not spent anything in charity better
than the good word. The following are some types of words that can
blossom into beautiful fruits like the good tree. These words may
be spoken, or sent through the written form. In the world of modern
technology, e-mail and other ways could be used to spread the good
word.
1. Words of wisdom and guidance - use the power of speech to guide
others whenever possible. Encourage others towards good and show them
the right way. Imam Zaynul Abidin (a) prays in Dua -e Makarimul Akhlaq;
O Allah, and make my speech be guidance. It is not necessary to be
preachy. Tact and gentleness can be used to spread the word of God
among people.
2. Words of comfort and sympathy - one who consoles a grieving heart
does great good. Imam Ja`far as-Sadiq (a) has said: He who consoles
a believing brother would be dressed in the place of standing (on
the Day of Judgement) such that he will be proud of it. According
to a wise saying: Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the
oldest therapy known to man.
3. Words of praise - compliment and recognize the good in others..
The good in others must be acknowledged and expressed. According to
hadith, when someone does good to us, and we cannot recompense him,
we should praise him - for that is a way of thanking him.
4. Words of compassion - understand the plight of others. Feel for
them, and express compassion and understanding. Every human being
has the desire for compassion. Before rejecting and condemning, say
a word which shows understanding. It could go a long way in bolstering
someone's spirit.
5. Words of love and affection - show others you care by the words
you say to them. Say a good and kind word that will leave a treasured
memory in the heart of the listener for a long time. According to
a famous proverb, a kind and loving word is enough to warm three winter
months.
Once the habit of saying good and kind words is formed, it becomes
instinctive and natural to use the tongue in this manner. This succeeds
in pleasing the Almighty, and makes the person loved and respected
by others. Says Imam Ali (a): Accustom your tongue to saying gentle
words and spreading salaam, the number of those who love you will
increase, and those who dislike you will decrease.
The Perils of Speech
Although the tongue can be used to achieve a great deal of good, it
is often a cause of evil and corruption. The ayat following the ayats
discussed above, says: And the parable of the evil word is like the
evil tree pulled up from the earth's surface; it has no stability.
(14:26) The dangers of the tongue have been discussed in Islam, and
many warnings have been given about the perils of the tongue. The
following are some aspects of the tongue we should be careful of:
1. Excessive speech
Excessive speech is harmful for the speaker and irritating for the
listener. It lowers the dignity, leads to sins and generally has many
disadvantages. A wise saying of Imam Ali (a) says: Beware of excessive
speech because it increases the mistakes and creates boredom. Talking
too much also has spiritual disadvantages. According to the Holy Prophet
(s) it hardens the heart and deadens it. One who talks less has less
chance of falling into wrongdoing.
2. Speech on matters which do not concern us
A wise person does not talk about matters which are not his concern.
Ameeul Mu'mineen (a) once passed by a man who was talking a great
deal,. He stopped beside him and said: You are dictating a book to
the ones (angels) protecting you which will go to your Lord. So speak
of what concerns you and avoid what does not concern you.
3. Using the tongue
to disobey Allah
This could include many sins such as lying, backbiting, spreading
evil etc. The sins of the tongue are numerous. That is why Islam has
consistently warned its followers to guard their tongues. A hadith
of Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a) says: Surely this tongue is the key
to all good and all evil. So it befits a believer to guard it the
way he would guard his gold and silver. The Holy Prophet (s) has also
said: The people with the most sins on the day of Judgement are the
ones who have indulged in evil and false talks.
4. Using harsh and cruel words
The tongue can inflict great pain when used wrongly. Words affect
the human spirit, and hurtful words often cause a lot of sorrow. A
hadith of Imam Ali (a) says: The blow inflicted by the tongue is stronger
than the blow inflicted by spears. The hurt remains in the memory
for a long time. As has been wisely noted, the man who offers an insult
writes it in sand, but for the man who receives it, it's chiseled
in bronze. The harmful effects of harsh words are difficult to erase,
and it requires great magnanimity of spirit to forgive and forget.
May the Almighty save us from using the tongue to increase in sin
and evil.
Hadith to Ponder
Over
It is the right of your tongue that you should consider it too respectable
to utter obscene language, and you should accustom it to good [speech]
and discipline it with good manners. And keep it silent except in
time of necessity and for spiritual or material benefit. And keep
it away from superfluous, reviling, useless talk, which may cause
much harm and little benefit. It is considered a proof of intelligence
and guide to it, and its good discipline edifies a wise man in his
wisdom. And there is no power but with the High (and) Great Allah.
Imam Zaynul Abidin (a), Risalatul Huqooq
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Teaching Children
Social Skills
Humans are social creatures, and need to identify with, and belong
to, a group. This is an instinctive need, an innate desire in humans,
placed by the Almighty - the desire to have connections with others,
form relationships and give and receive emotional support. Humans
need to belong to a group, to identify themselves as part of a particular
community and society. The stronger the sense of belonging, the more
the confidence and meaning in life. Those who live in isolation, adrift
from community and people, are most likely to lead unhappy and unfulfilling
lives.
Islam has emphasized the value of being with the group, and highly
recommends actions in congregation such as prayers etc. The Holy Qur'an
says: And hold fast by the covenant of Allah, all together, and be
not disunited.(3:102) The Holy Prophet (s) has said: The Hand of Allah
is on the congregation. On their own, individuals cannot achieve much.
Together with others, they can do much for the upliftment of themselves
as well as the group.
A child has the desire to be part of society. Participating in society
has many advantages for the child. Apart from fulfilling the needs
for connection and identity, it also imparts valuable lessons in Akhlaq.
If guided correctly, the child can develop good behaviors as he mingles
with others. It will prepare him for the time when he will be an active
participant in society as an adult. The foundation of good social
relationships in childhood is instrumental in good relations at work
and in the community during adulthood. Teaching children how to build
good relationships, to have good manners and etiquette with others,
is one of the fundamental rights of children. The Holy Prophet (s)
says: The right of the child on the parent is that he should give
him a good name, teach him good manners, and teach him the recitation
of Qur'an.
Points to Teach
1. Familiarization with the Community. The child should be taught
about the community. Its rites and rituals, its various practices
and values should be discussed occasionally at home so that the child
becomes familiar with it. This familiarization, coupled with constant
attendance and participation in the community, fosters the sense of
belonging and identification with the community.. When teaching the
child about the community, it is important not to impose upon him
the negativity and cynicism of adults. The child in his innocence
may take a dark and unfair view of society. It is important to allow
the child to form unbiased views of society. This way he can make
his own way through, with guidance, but unhindered by the baggage
of grievances carried around by the adults.
2. Active Particpation The child should be encouraged to be an active
member of the community. In whatever small way possible, he should
be encouraged to contribute. Whether it is through picking up dishes,
laying out prayer mats, donating for a worthy cause - all these play
their part in inducing active identification with society. The Ummah
today need Muslims who are keenly aware of their role in society.
To impede the growth of apathetic members who lead their own lives
oblivious of the problems of Muslims, parents must start young. When
a child feels the need to take part in society and not just sit back,
it is very possible that he will grow into an adult who will also
participate in affairs of the Muslim.
3. Having a pleasant personality. Good manners and behavior in society
should be constantly discussed with the child. These include greeting
others with salaam, being cheerful and pleasant, respectful and considerate.
According to the Holy Prophet (s), A pleasant personality is half
of religion. He has also said: A pleasant personality goes away with
the good of this world and the good of the Hereafter. A pleasant personality
is formed and nurtured through relations with others. A child who
is taught about noble and beautiful characteristics will be able to
develop a good personality. If left unguided, the child may never
realize the value of good manners. Sometimes parents feel that small
slips and mistakes do not warrant a reprimand. But these small mistakes,
when performed continuously, aggregate into great flaws of character,
just as tiny snowflakes gradually become a mound of snow. Habits,
once formed, become hard to overcome. Thus a child needs to be warned
about unpleasant behavior before it becomes entrenched into his character.
In the same way, good behavior can be praised and encouraged so that
it becomes a habit. Teaching good manners need not always be in the
form of lectures. One could teach through demonstration, stories,
discussions etc.
Points to Heed
1. Avoid obsessive competition Encourage the child to participate
in society, but do not encourage self-promotion and fierce competition
with others. Many parents are keen that their child should excel over
others in various areas. Although healthy competition is acceptable,
perhaps even recommended, an obsession to outdo is harmful. Minor
setbacks and failures could then lead to lack of confidence. It could
also lead to hostile rivalries and contention.
2. Inform and remind the child of expected behavior Do not blame the
child for mistakes made if he has not been informed of the proper
etiquette. Children need to be told about the behaviors expected from
them, even reminded from time to time. Many parents assume that children
should know the correct form of behavior, and should have the strength
and will power to carry it out. This is expecting too much of the
child. Inform, remind, and encourage the child towards good behavior.
3. Be an example
Do not expect the child to carry out roles and manners in society
that the parent does not. Children learn by example, a fact that has
been pointed out very often. If the parent is not interested in helping
out in community affairs, does not lend a hand at various programs
and functions, it is futile to expect the child to. Similarly, if
the parent does not show respect and affection for members of the
community, and talks derogatorily of them, the child will probably
do the same. Good etiquette must be modeled to the child before it
can be expected from him.
Good social skills
are among the most important lessons imparted to a child. A hadith
of the Holy Prophet (s) says: A parent does not leave a better legacy
for his child than good manners.
References: Tafsire
Namune, Mizanul Hikmah, Quotable Quotes (Readers Digest Books), Aaine
Tarbiyat, by Ayatullah Ibrahim Amini, and Khanawadeh wa Niyazmandihaye
Kudakan, by Dr. Ali Qaemi.
And say, my prayers,
my sacrifice, my life and my death are for Allah. Lord of the Worlds
(6:162)
